i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
