i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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