i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think i have two assholes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
