Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
