Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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