I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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