I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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