I just pynch a tree in the face
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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