I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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