I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
