happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
