apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
