I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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