Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
