I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
