the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
