He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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