Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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