Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
