Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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