I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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