I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
