I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
