I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
