I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
