Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
