giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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