i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
