dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
