I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
