so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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