I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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