I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
