Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
