I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
