Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
