there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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