i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Houston, we have a squirter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
