walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
no. you can't hotbox the world.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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