There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
