So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
