people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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