I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
