you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
