My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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