I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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