Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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