Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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