I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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