You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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