Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
