when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
