dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
