I cannot find my penis.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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