2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
