You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
