I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
