My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
