why do cheetos always look like penises
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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